Prongs
by TheWarriorQueen
Summary: Sirius Black's plans don't always go as they should. Crack!fic with cheese buns. Erm, I mean cheesy puns; not as palatable, sorry. Lily/Prongs. Written for Lady Melody Lily. Oneshot. Complete.


**Sirius Black's plans don't always go as they should. Crack!fic with cheese buns. Erm, I mean cheesy puns; not as palatable, sorry. Lily/Prongs. ****Written for Lady Melody Lily.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Potterverse. I do not own the Potterverse. ~sighs~ Excuse me, Madam Umbridge, may I go yet? I think I'm dying of blood loss.**

* * *

"And she said no! Padfoot, she always says no, what am I doing wrong?" James Potter was pacing wildly up and down the dorm room, waving his hands around like he was trying out for hip-hop dancing.

Sirius Black buried his face in his hands. "Prongs, it's a lost cause. Evans isn't into you at all, so give up already!"

"Never! I love her, and I will marry her one day, you'll see. Come on, you're so popular with the ladies, give me some pointers," asked James petulantly.

"They like me because of my bad-boy persona and natural charm, neither of which you have. Evans doesn't go for those anyway," Sirius muttered, deciding he could take no more of this. He had to do something about it. Maybe his Black family background could help him.

~b~l~a~c~k~p~l~o~t~s~

The next day, Lily Evans was walking innocently out of Charms when Sirius dashed towards her. "Evans, please, say yes to James, he's fair driving me insane!"

"No, Black, I will not say yes to Potter. I have no interest whatsoever in arrogant prats like you two." With that the redhead tossed back her hair and stalked away, amazed at Sirius' audacity. Said audacious wizard was now glaring after her from a corner, plotting.

~b~l~a~c~k~p~l~o~t~s~

At breakfast, Lily calmly served up eggs and bacon onto her plate, heedless of the messy-haired Gryffindor sitting two seats down, staring pensively at her. She could not help but notice, however, when Sirius popped his head right into her field of vision, blocking her from seeing him dropping something into her pumpkin juice. "Have you changed your mind?" asked Sirius very siriusly. (Quite the opposite of seriously.)

"No, now leave me alone, Black."

His job was done, so he happily complied, returning to his seat and watching her to see she drank the spiked juice. Suddenly Mafalda Hopkirk, who was sitting next to her, shrieked, "Ow! Too much chilli sauce!" and grabbed at the nearest beverage she could find, which, as luck would have it, was Lily's juice. Sirius groaned as Mafalda suddenly looked over at James. "Oh, James…" she sighed, staring at him with a love-struck sheen in her eyes as she tossed her long blonde hair over her shoulder.

James looked between the goblet, Lily, Sirius, and Mafalda, realized what had happened, and ran for it, Mafalda chasing ardently behind.

Sirius did not give up easily, however, and the gleam in his eyes was the kind that inspires terror in hapless victims.

~b~l~a~c~k~p~l~o~t~s~

Lily was studying in the Library, voraciously devouring every bit of information she could find about the correct way to brew a Love-Me-Not Potion. She too, was sick of having James keep asking her out. So engrossed was she that not even Mafalda's wail of, "But I love you, James!" echoing through the castle could disturb her. It was a real shame she did not look up then, as it would have allowed her to see Sirius slipping a letter into her book-bag.

Sirius, however, was gleeful, positive that he'd finally caught her. He'd written his mother, asking for some of the cursed parchment that she kept, which caused deep infatuation with whoever's name was written on the page. For the first time in years, his mother was proud of him, finally dabbling in the Dark Arts. He'd written James' name on the sheet. "Let's see her dodge that one!" he chuckled as he practically skipped back to the dorm. Alas, he had counted without the ever loyal house-elves of Hogwarts, in particular one by the unfortunate name of Fatty.

Fatty was far from the most attractive house-elf, even as house-elves go. She was, however, madly devoted to the fiery redhead who once complimented her cooking. So when she saw a suspicious letter being slipped into her favourite student's bag, she took it upon herself to read it.

James was very confused when, just as Sirius came waltzing into the dorm, a house-elf popped right in front of him and began to snog his knees. He looked at Sirius, totally bewildered. "Padfoot, what's up with her? Help!"

Said Animagus was no help whatsoever, for he had just recognized the parchment clutched tightly in the elf's fist. "Oh Merlin, not again!"

~b~l~a~c~k~p~l~o~t~s~

This time, Sirius was sure he would succeed. It was highly illegal and unscrupulous, but it was the least he could do for his best mate, who now had one girl and one house-elf head over heels for him, courtesy of Sirius. As the luckless Lily passed, he pointed his wand at her. "Imperio!" he whispered. She stopped. He began to channel thoughts at her relentlessly. "You will fall in love with Prongs. You will fall in love with Prongs. This will remain even after the curse has apparently ended. You will not remember being cursed. You will fall in love with Prongs."

He then ended the curse and watched her continue on her way. She was headed for the kitchens. He had to tell James the good news, and get him down there quickly. "Prongs, come on! Lily's down in the kitchens. Let's go!" James, who was still fending off a besotted house-elf, allowed his friend to pull him bodily from the dorms. Along the way, Mafalda spotted James, and attached herself to his side like a limpet.

When they reached the kitchens, however, they were greeted by one of the strangest things they ever did see. Lily was sitting by a plate of cheese buns, Enlarging a fork. When she had it as tall as her, Lily kissed her fork passionately. "What the fork?" gasped Sirius.

"Oh, hello, Black, Potter! Meet my new boyfriend, Prongs!"

~b~l~a~c~k~p~l~o~t~s~

James and Sirius were relaxing in their apartment. James had never quite gotten over Lily but married Mafalda, had a daughter, and was relatively happy. Sirius had turned up on their doorstep one day, and the three of them now split rent. Fatty now worked for the two wizards; she had been nearly suicidal from when James graduated until a year later when Dumbledore took pity on her and gave her to the wizard she loved.

The Daily Prophet owl flew in, dropping the paper on the table. James paid, and unfolded the paper. "Whoa, Padfoot! Look at that!"

**HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED DEFEATED!**

**Yesterday, You-Know-Who was ably defeated by Lily Evans and her giant fork. Apparently, the Dark wizard had come to her house to kill her, when she ran him through with the piece of cutlery, which she has affectionately dubbed "Prongs." When asked what she would like as a token of gratitude, the vivacious redhead replied, "All I want is a dispensation, recognizing my relationship with Prongs here. I wish to marry him, but the Ministry has so far refused to accept that I could love a fork."**

**We here at the Daily Prophet hope that such a simple request will indeed be granted. Our thoughts are with you, Lily Evans.**

Above the article was a picture of Lily, with her arm around the same fork that had been in the kitchens that fateful afternoon.

A very pregnant Mafalda entered the room, carrying little Sarah on one hip, and James hugged her. "Voldemort is dead!" he cried. With a "pop," an ecstatic Fatty appeared and gave the bespectacled wizard's knees a celebratory snog. Sirius stared at the paper in disbelief. Maybe Dumbledore was right, and everything did happen for a purpose.

* * *

**~screaming~ NOOOO! DON'T LET THEM LOCK ME AWAY! ~sobs~ I'm not that crazy...**

**TheWarriorQueen**


End file.
